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How affairs start Май 28, 2010

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in Today's Devotional.

 How affairs start. Part 1

 ( Is your relationship affair proof ?)


Whether you have just started your life together, or you are still dating or in courtship, or have had an average marriage fro a number of years, have a “ bad “ marriage, or even have had an affair, you can still build or rebuild your relationship or marriage, but only if you become aware of each other’s needs and learn to meet them.

My growing up wasn’t easy, especially on matters of the heart, they have been and are still making me. I have so many things that when I look back over my shoulder I wouldn’t want to remember them, not at all. But at the same time I can say they have and they are making me. A lot of my writings on relationships is based on my experiences, brother’s, sisters and people around me friends and workmates. The good thing is that both experience have been extremely valuable and one way or the other they have molded and are molding into to become better. Though others may not need to go through challenges to learn, but they can learn through reading such articles, and hearing from others or by just observing people’s lives.

A couple of years ago my Pastor taught on the message “brokenness”, it was and still is so refreshing to me, it has made a lasting impact on my life. So the same is on reading these articles, some of them you may not need them now, but later in life they will be just what the doctor ordered. So for now some of these articles may not be needed, but later in life, or you can make them available to someone who needs them now.

Demands of marriage and love:

It sounds pretty elementary to advise or tell people in love to become aware of each other’s needs and learn to meet them, cause you may be wondering what’s so had about doing that, but marriage  is a complex relationship.        

Love, marriage and relationships involve and demand more than just commitment, loyalty, honesty they actually demand your very existence, your life and focus too. Successful marriages/relationships require skill, skill in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. Good intentions are not enough.

When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations, am sure we all do this. Both commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each others lives, on an exclusive basis. Though demanding both strive to do so and they do it with joy and excitement for a period of time. They both agree to” forsake all other” giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs. But this doesn’t mean that all needs are to be met by a spouse, though there are a few basic needs that most people strictly reserve for the marriage bonds only.

Most people expect their spouse to meet these special needs, since they have agreed not to allow anyone else to meet them. What I mean is this, when a man agrees to an exclusive relationship with his wife, he depends on her to meet his sexual need. If she fulfills this need, he finds in her a continuing source of intense pleasure, and his love grows stronger. But if his need goes unmet, quite the opposite happens. He begins to associate her with frustration, and if the frustration continues, he may decide she just doesn’t  like sex and may try to make the best out of it. Though his strong needs for sex remains unfulfilled. Then that opens to options of infidelity, what ahs to be understood of most men is that most give in, others manage to make the best of it over the years. Unfortunately many do succumb to the temptation of an affair. And of recent statistics show that some women are also not able to be put up with sexual frustration they succumb also to affairs, as a result of this need not having been met, to women its several other needs not just sex, that opens doors to them to affairs.

Different needs for men and women:

It is obvious that any marriage has other sensitive, potential trouble spots besides the man’s basic need for sex. In years of writing relational articles, talking to couple’s interactions with couples, and being also a man, I have realized that there five basic needs men expect from their partners and five common basic needs women expect from their men. In my researches, reading, talking to couples` friends and workmates, the needs always surface now and then whenever you talk about relationships/marriage. Although individuals perceive their needs differently, the bottom line is that these are the most frequently discussed needs when it comes to explaining marital/relational challenges:

Five most basic needs for men:

  1. Sexual fulfillment
  2. An attractive(one who take care of her body and has sense of beauty) woman
  3. To be admired-encourages, takes note of the way he is dressed, conducts himself etc.
  4. Support domestically.
  5. Recreational companionship (one who gets involved with him ,fun, sport ectc.)

Five most basic needs for women:

  1. Affection-affection is the cement of a relationship

. affection to most women symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval.

. When a man shows affection to his woman, he is saying to her:

I will take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.

. I am concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you throughout.

. I am so proud of you.

*** A hug can say any or all of the above. Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations, for the typical woman there can hardly be enough. Most women love to hug and being hugged, they hug their children, pets, even stuffed animals, no, no I am not saying that they will just throw themselves into the arms of any stranger. Affection can be so many things, an invitation to dinner, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls, as someone once said there are a thousand times to say I LOVE YOU !.

But with most women’s point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man. Without it a woman probably feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly bonded to him. When it comes to sex and affection you cant have one without the other !.Will write a more detailed article on men to learn how to be affectionate.

  1. Conversation
  2. Honesty and openness

       How affairs start. Part 2

      ( Is your relationship affair proof ?)

 4.  Financial Support

        5.  Family commitments 

Will also talk in the next articles on honesty and openness; financial support; family commitments; conversation and affection in detail for the benefit of all.

While with sexual problems cause tension and unhappiness in marriages, these difficulties can be solved more easily by than one might think .In most cases it merely requires education. You will realize that the categories mentioned above may not apply equally to everyone, there could be some slight differences but these are the most common and dominant ones in most relationships. The if the needs of men and women are so different, no wonder they have difficulty adjusting them in marriage .Most of the times we fail because we are ignorant of each other’s needs.

Affairs are tempting :

Affairs are so tempting, it sounds unfair to say so, but this is the reality we have to deal with. An affair consists of two people becoming involved in an extra-marital relationship that does combine sexual lovemaking with feelings of deep love. The relationship that involves sex(usually passionate sex)and very real love threatens marriage to its very core, because two lovers experience real intimacy and it meets at least one need of the spouse outside the exclusive  marital relationship. In most of the times, when the other spouse discovers the other has broken the commitment of faithfulness, the marriage is shattered. An most of the cases people are lured into this affair because of unmet needs:

a.  In an affair you ignore each other’s faults.

b. You get turned on as never before.

c. You feel sure no one else could be as exciting as a sex partner as your secret new lover.

d. You and your new found lover seem to bring the best out in each other.

      Starting Affairs:

      Affairs usually start just as a friendship relationship. They rarely start with a stranger or     somebody you don’t know. Most of the times your spouse knows your new lover, at times the lover is the husband or wife in a couple you both know and consider “best friends”. It can be a workmate, the lover, a church member or even from your spouse’s family- a sister or brother, or as I said you met at work, as painful as it sounds even your spouse’s best friend, worse even an ex girlfriend or boyfriend, a boss at work, a baby sitter at home, etc. The truth of the matter, it is always somebody close.

The pattern of how they start is almost one and the same, a close person and usually start as friends. You share problems with the other person, and they do the same in likewise. For the affair to blossom you have to see the other person very often, everyday at work or frequently through a friendship being on a committee ,board, or some other responsibility that brings the two of you together more than often. You start giving each other mutual support and encouragement as the friendship deepens especially in regard to your unmet needs. You know in life we face difficulties and many people get extremely disillusioned about their lives. And when they find someone encouraging and supportive, the attraction towards that person acts a powerful magnet. Believe you me sooner or later you find yourself in bed with your encouraging and supportive friend, even before you declare each other’s love. It just seems to “just happens” you don’t intend it, neither does your friend. Many a times the friendship that grows into an affair is not based on physical  attraction, haven’t you seen this; a wife get the chance to look at his hubby`s lover and say,” How could he be interested and love her.?” Its very easy why, because the attraction is emotional. It really doesn’t matter if the other woman is overweight, plain really rather ugly. What matters is that she is able to meet an unfulfilled need. The lover in the affair gets regarded as the most caring person the wayward spouse has ever been in love with or met, and then the wife or husband reciprocates desire to acre for the lover at a depth never before experienced.

When you are caught in an affair you and your new lover, share a strong willingness to meet each other’s needs. This willingness eventually binds you into a mutual love that develops into a passionate sexual relationship. This mutual desire to bring each other happiness builds an affair into one of the most satisfying and intimate relationships either of you have ever known. As the intensity of your mutual care and passion increases, you discover yourself caught in a trap of your own making, and you lose all sense of judgment as you literally become addicted to each other in a relationship built on fantasy than reality. And what really turns you won now is not your new partner but the fantasy, as you and your lover plan where and when to meet for the passionate sessions of love making, you leave the realities of living behind. You affair may go on for a long time and the longer it goes on, the more difficult you will find to break it off.

Lastly I want to emphasize this: Many people would deny they could ever get involved in an affair, the naked truth is that, under the right ( or wrong ) conditions, any of us can fall victim, especially if our basic needs are not met. Be advised and warned that it doesn’t take something different or special to fall into an affair. On the contrary, sometimes very normal men and women get involved in one through a deceptively simple process. When your basic needs are not met, you start thinking. This isn’t right, It isn’t fair. Hey good people we all are vulnerable, so take an inventory of your relationships, basic needs and see whether your relationship/marriage is affair proof or else you will have lots of pain, tears and regrets. Remember, affection is the environment of the relationship and sex is the special event.




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