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How affairs start: Part 1 Май 15, 2011

Posted by Herbert Masthobane in Today's Devotional.

How affairs start. Part 1

( Is your relationship affair proof ?)


Whether you have just started your life together, or you are still dating or in courtship, or have had an average marriage fro a number of years, have a “ bad “ marriage, or even have had an affair, you can still build or rebuild your relationship or marriage, but only if you become aware of each other’s needs and learn to meet them.

My growing up wasn’t easy, especially on matters of the heart, they have been and are still making me. I have so many things that when I look back over my shoulder I wouldn’t want to remember them, not at all. But at the same time I can say they have and they are making me. A lot of my writings on relationships is based on my experiences, brother’s, sisters and people around me friends and workmates. The good thing is that both experience have been extremely valuable and one way or the other they have molded and are molding into to become better. Though others may not need to go through challenges to learn, but they can learn through reading such articles, and hearing from others or by just observing people’s lives.

A couple of years ago my Pastor taught on the message “brokenness”, it was and still is so refreshing to me, it has made a lasting impact on my life. So the same is on reading these articles, some of them you may not need them now, but later in life they will be just what the doctor ordered. So for now some of these articles may not be needed, but later in life, or you can make them available to someone who needs them now.

Demands of marriage and love:

It sounds pretty elementary to advise or tell people in love to become aware of each other’s needs and learn to meet them, cause you may be wondering what’s so had about doing that, but marriage is a complex relationship.

Love, marriage and relationships involve and demand more than just commitment, loyalty, honesty they actually demand your very existence, your life and focus too. Successful marriages/relationships require skill, skill in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. Good intentions are not enough.

When a man and woman marry, they share high expectations, am sure we all do this. Both commit themselves to meeting certain intense and intimate needs in each others lives, on an exclusive basis. Though demanding both strive to do so and they do it with joy and excitement for a period of time. They both agree to” forsake all other” giving each other the exclusive right to meet these intimate needs. But this doesn’t mean that all needs are to be met by a spouse, though there are a few basic needs that most people strictly reserve for the marriage bonds only.

Most people expect their spouse to meet these special needs, since they have agreed not to allow anyone else to meet them. What I mean is this, when a man agrees to an exclusive relationship with his wife, he depends on her to meet his sexual need. If she fulfills this need, he finds in her a continuing source of intense pleasure, and his love grows stronger. But if his need goes unmet, quite the opposite happens. He begins to associate her with frustration, and if the frustration continues, he may decide she just doesn’t like sex and may try to make the best out of it. Though his strong needs for sex remains unfulfilled. Then that opens to options of infidelity, what ahs to be understood of most men is that most give in, others manage to make the best of it over the years. Unfortunately many do succumb to the temptation of an affair. And of recent statistics show that some women are also not able to be put up with sexual frustration they succumb also to affairs, as a result of this need not having been met, to women its several other needs not just sex, that opens doors to them to affairs.

Different needs for men and women:

It is obvious that any marriage has other sensitive, potential trouble spots besides the man’s basic need for sex. In years of writing relational articles, talking to couple’s interactions with couples, and being also a man, I have realized that there five basic needs men expect from their partners and five common basic needs women expect from their men. In my researches, reading, talking to couples` friends and workmates, the needs always surface now and then whenever you talk about relationships/marriage. Although individuals perceive their needs differently, the bottom line is that these are the most frequently discussed needs when it comes to explaining marital/relational challenges:

Five most basic needs for men:

  1. Sexual fulfillment
  2. An attractive(one who take care of her body and has sense of beauty) woman
  3. To be admired-encourages, takes note of the way he is dressed, conducts himself etc.
  4. Support domestically.
  5. Recreational companionship (one who gets involved with him ,fun, sport ectc.)

Five most basic needs for women:

  1. Affection-affection is the cement of a relationship

. affection to most women symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval.

. When a man shows affection to his woman, he is saying to her:

I will take care of you and protect you. You are important to me, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.

. I am concerned about the problems you face, and I am with you throughout.

. I am so proud of you.

*** A hug can say any or all of the above. Men need to understand how strongly women need these affirmations, for the typical woman there can hardly be enough. Most women love to hug and being hugged, they hug their children, pets, even stuffed animals, no, no I am not saying that they will just throw themselves into the arms of any stranger. Affection can be so many things, an invitation to dinner, holding hands, walks after dinner, back rubs, phone calls, as someone once said there are a thousand times to say I LOVE YOU !.

But with most women’s point of view, affection is the essential cement of her relationship with a man. Without it a woman probably feels alienated from her mate. With it she becomes tightly bonded to him. When it comes to sex and affection you cant have one without the other !.Will write a more detailed article on men to learn how to be affectionate.

  1. Conversation
  2. Honesty and openness


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