jump to navigation

«Если все люди раскаются, явится Мессия» 30 декабря, 2011

Posted by Alyosha Kolodiy in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Цитаты Великих - Great Quotes.
Tags: ,
add a comment

читайте ТАКИ ДА! в сети Facebook


ДОЛЯ ПРАВДЫ. Рабби Шмелке рассказывал: «Руководствуясь талмудическим изречением «Если все люди раскаются, явится Мессия», я решил что-нибудь для этого сделать. В успехе я не сомневался. Но с чего начать? Мир так огромен. И я решил начать с моей страны, которую я знаю всё-таки лучше. Но страна моя тоже слишком велика. Начну-ка я с моего города. Но мой город такой большой. Самое лучшее начать с моей улицы, нет, с моего дома, нет, с семьи. Пожалуй, начну-ка я лучше с самого себя». Хасидская история

WAITING FOR LOVE-KEEP WAITING. ( its coming) 29 декабря, 2011

Posted by Coach_Speaks in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
add a comment

There is the tendency for people to feel uncomfortable in the “in between” times, while awaiting loves entry. Whether it’s the desire to date someone special or to secure a sexual partner… there is a sense of incompleteness that attends most of this process. That drive comes from the inner urge to find partnership in the hopes of new beginnings. There can be daunted expectations or frustrated attempts. In this time period, it’s important to continue to live life. And, to live life fully. We can’t make another person jump into our lives. We can’t magically produce the partner we want. In thinking that life is incomplete without this special “someone,” we put ourselves in a holding pot ,that keeps us from enjoying the life we do have, now.

This type of thinking is the surest way to repel anyone who may be interested. The most attractive quality a person can possess is confidence. Part of that confidence is not only in oneself, but a confidence in the flow of life. To allow life to be lived fully while in expectant anticipation of partnership, is the key to attracting the “other” we seek. We are not incomplete. We are not faulty or missing out on life. There’s nothing wrong with being single and enjoying the experience. Partnership is the merging of two souls. Yet there has been the social-construct that infers being “one,” isn’t enough. If we think we’re bright, attractive and interesting… why are we single? Why not? To be single doesn’t imply that we are less. It’s simply a definition of one who isn’t currently partnered. When we do finally meet that special person, we’ll be adding them to a life we already have. First, we need to have a life. Then, the partner is simply an addition to an already full life.

Being single isn’t a death sentence of uncomfortable waiting before someone comes to save us. It’s part of life, for all. At some time we will be single. To begin to look at this time period as having merit in and of itself, is the beginning to the cure to this social mis-construct. The point is to embrace-life, and embrace our life. There are perks that come with being single. We have the ability to focus solely upon ourselves. We have no one to report to, or with whom to negotiate our choices. Our time is our own. We have only our problems to attend to, and only our desires to fulfill. We have the rare opportunity to explore what we want, when we want and without constraint. It’s a rich and beautiful experience, if we allow it to be. The more we add to our lives in this period, the more we have to offer when partnership arrives

IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP 27 декабря, 2011

Posted by Alyosha Kolodiy in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Новости - News, Трибуна братства - The brotherhood tribune.
2 комментария

Bishop S. Liberty Sr.

Bishop S. Liberty Sr.


4 14 Window It’s Time to Wake Up 16 сентября, 2011

Posted by Alyosha Kolodiy in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Новости - News, Трибуна братства - The brotherhood tribune, eMagazines.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
add a comment

Can you spare a few moments to take Our Weblog Survey? 27 августа, 2011

Posted by Alyosha Kolodiy in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Новости - News, eMagazines, Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , , ,
1 comment so far

Click here to take survey

Sexual dysfunctions and remedies Part 2. 7 июня, 2011

Posted by Coach_Speaks in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
add a comment

Sexual dysfunctions and remedies Part 2.

Taking too much sugar ,salt, alcohol ,fat and stress are the main causes of erectile dysfunctions’, premature ejaculations’ etc. there is lots of good in taking clean water ,fruits ,vegetables ,giving the body and mind enough rest, nuts family foods etc and the list which follows below also help a lot. Those in the nutrition field will agree with me on these and other foods are recommended and the others I listed not recommended.

Forget the Spanish fly, Rhinoceros horn or other rumored aphrodisiacs, the most natural libido enhancers are easily accessible and good for your overall health. For thousands of years, humans have been experimenting with various foods and herbs to improve health conditions and support sexual wellness.

The Romans placed oysters high on their list of prized aphrodisiacs. Even Casanova, as the legend goes, ate dozens of raw oysters for breakfast. Not only do they resemble a vagina in look and feel, oysters are high in zinc, which is necessary for sperm production. Raw oysters contain dopamine, and are also high in nutrients that increase testosterone levels.

If you’re not into slurping raw oysters every morning, you can certainly spice up your love life with some good old-fashioned cooking including some of these sexy foods:

Asparagus is rich in vitamin E, which stimulates the hormone production needed for a more active sex life.

Bananas contain bromelain enzyme, which is thought to improve male libido. They’re also rich in potassium and B vitamins, necessary for sex hormone production. The banana and its flower have a marvelous phallic shape and a long-time popular aphrodisiac food.

Avocados are packed with nutrients essential to sexual health, including beta carotene, magnesium and vitamin E. The Aztecs called the avocado tree «Ahuacuatl which translated means «testicle tree». The ancients thought the fruit hanging in pairs on the tree resembled the male’s testicles. This is a delicious fruit with a sensuous texture. Serve in slices with a small amount of Balsamic vinegar and freshly ground pepper.

Celery supports male virility and contains androsterone, one of the most potent of the male pheromones known to sexually arouse women.

Figs increase libido and improve sexual stamina because they are high in amino acids, the building blocks of protein which is needed for the brain chemical dopamine. An open fig is thought to emulate the female sex organs and traditionally thought of as sexual stimulant. Eating a fig in front of your lover can be a powerful erotic act.

Sea vegetables such as kelp, dulse and nori contain calcium, iodine and iron and may boost libido.

Chocolate has phenylethylamine and serotonin, two chemicals that light up pleasure areas in the brain. Chocolate is similar to sex and being in love, in that it makes you feel good.

Ginseng stimulates the circulatory system and revitalizes the whole body — interestingly has a human-like shape root. Perhaps a stir-fry with freshly grated ginger can stir something spicy up in the bedroom later.

Asparagus is frequently enjoyed as an aphrodisiac food — not to mention its phallic shape. Feed your lover boiled or steamed spears for a sensuous experience.

Carrots, which are high vitamins and beta-carotene, are believed to be a stimulant. The phallus shaped carrot has been associated with stimulation since ancient times and was used by early Middle Eastern royalty to aid seduction.

Basil is said to stimulate sex drive and boost fertility, and also said to produce a general sense of well being for the body and mind. Sweet basil is easy to grow and add to many of your home cooked meals and salads.

Honey! Why do we call our loved ones this? What could be sweeter? Many medicines in Egyptian times were based on honey including cures for sterility and impotence. Medieval seducers plied their partners with Mead, a fermented drink made from honey. Lovers on their «Honeymoon» drank mead and it was thought to «sweeten» the marriage.

Pine Nuts are high in zinc — a key mineral necessary to maintain male potency. Pine nuts have been used to stimulate the libido as far back as Medieval times. Serve pine nut cookies with a dark espresso for a stimulating dessert.

Pineapple is rich in vitamin C and is used in the homeopathic treatment for impotence. Add a spear to a sweet beverage for a tasty prelude to an evening of passion.

Raspberries & Strawberries are high in vitamin C and perfect foods for hand feeding your lover. Both invite love and are described in erotic literature as «fruit nipples».

Wine relaxes the body and our nerves, as well as helps to stimulate our senses. Drinking wine with your lover can be an erotic experience. A glass or two of wine can greatly enhance a romantic interlude; however excessive alcohol will make you too drowsy for the after-dinner romance. A moderate amount of wine has been said to «arouse» but much more than that amount with have the reverse affect.

While these are all simple and wonderful ideas, it is also important to take a daily supplement to help maintain overall well being, vitality and healthy libido. A daily capsule or two of a holistic blend of all-natural herbs can increase energy, strength and endurance as well as improve your mood, passion and sex drive.

For Women

Add Lib is a natural libido enhancementand revolutionary women’s daily supplement. Add Lib is formulated with all natural plant and mushroom extracts, antioxidants, vitamins, essential oils and other phytonutrients to balance hormones, and re-ignite sexual desire and passion for life. Women also notice a significant increase in energy levels and improved mood when taking Add Lib on a daily basis. Add Lib contains 100% natural extracts from Fenugreek Seed (promotes healthy libido), American Ginseng (energy), Damiana (libido booster), Cordyceps (vitality booster), Maitake (overall health), Maca (energy/libido booster), Vitamin B12 (energy/immune function), Wulinshen (alleviates insomnia), and Passionflower (balance).

For Men

Mdrive is a daily supplement designed specifically for men looking to increase strength, stamina and overall vitality. Mdrive’s synergistic blend of powerful, unique, highly concentrated extracts was developed to support healthy testosterone and cardio functions. Mdrive contains very specific powerful extracts from the Fenugreek Seed (increase testosterone), Cordyceps Mushroom (energy, respiration, blood flow, focus), Maitake (overall health), Maca (energy/libido booster), American Ginseng (energy), and Damiana (libido boost

Eating these and many others is a good way to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and body exercise does play a major role also in helping. Most men are sleeping around not because they have much fire power with women, but they cant satisfy the women in their lives, so they are running away from the challenge to perform and just end up look for hit and run sex. This is a good reminder to all men, as women grow up their sex drive shoots up and if you have not been eating well all these years you will surely have a problem satisfying the woman, because her sex drive ahs since shot up high and your lifestyle and eating habits have since killed the capacity in you to perform well to expected standers by the woman. There is nothing as scary as having a woman how is not sexually satisfied in your life that’s a bomb waiting to explode any time.

Sexual dysfunctions and remedies. Part 1. 7 июня, 2011

Posted by Coach_Speaks in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
add a comment

Sexual dysfunctions and remedies. Part 1.

As I traveled the streets of Randfontein in South Africa sometime late last year, I met several people both men and women with fliers and brochures’ with several names of self made Doctors of love , with so many proposed remedies for sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunctions’, premature ejaculations, penis size enlargements. Interestingly these aren’t confided to the streets of Randfontein, I discovered it’s all over not only South Africa but the entire African continent and the world at Large. In the land of the brave there is lots of them in one weekly popular newspaper, and they seem to offer the same prescriptions as the many I have met in Pretoria, and several cities in the world. A lady walked to me with one of these fliers to me, and I spoke to her in isiZulu, that madam am fine I don’t need any remedy, she stood akimbo and looked at me surprisingly because almost every man who passed by picked up one and even some women picked up some am sure for the men in their lives.

Sad to say this is an issue I feel has not been given much attention, but it is one of the major causes of relational breakdowns, both amongst Christians and unbelievers alike. It’s something both men and women must agree to tackle head on as we try to put a stop to extra marital relationships, sugar mummies and sugar dads. This I have realized that most men are very careless about their choice of foods and don’t even bother to check if the food they consume is good for their bodies. So in the next coming articles am going to take you through to the dangers of not eating well and choosing the right foods.

It’s a topic which am not a master at but one which I have wisely and am widely researched and have keen interest in being a counselor and an HIV/AIDS consultant, it is important for me to have a say on this topic which many would dare not tread on unless they are labeled. But this I emphasize I do not at all promote multiple partners, I am one man who believes in faithfulness and abstinence of which I think these two haven’t been given much publicity as condomising. I am a man who still believes that its not macho to have multiple sexual partners and one won’t die if they aren’t involved in sexual activities,

I grew up in an African environment where eating lots of salt was encouraged to men and even young men, to boost their sexual performance. And most men strongly believe that lots of salt and fat are good for their sexual performance, unfortunately it does more harm than good. Such sexual problems like erectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculation, etc all have got to do with poor eating habits. And the self made Doctors on the streets are cashing on that, because they know there is a problem, even though they know that their prescriptions’ have long-term side effects which even worsen the situation later. Men must wake up now and take full control of their destinies and know what gets into their mouth all in the name of good food, as much as the women in their lives must also be responsible in making sure their men eat healthy to address this problem.

Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts- Forgive. Part 2 2 июня, 2011

Posted by Coach_Speaks in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
add a comment

Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts-
Forgive. Part 2

Many of us may wonder…if pain hurts so bad, why do we always hear about it being a positive force in our lives? While in the midst of our sadness, grieving, or disappointment, the overwhelming feelings make it hard to imagine that our pain has a greater purpose. But there is always a universal intention and a lesson to be learned from every challenge we face in life. Something good always rises out of something bad. We evolve our soul through hardships. All the positivity of life, like love, hope, and faith, would not exist without it. Suffering is essentially life’s gift; it brings us knowledge, strength, compassion, and understanding. When we are brought to our knees, we develop a closer relationship with God, the Universe, or a Supreme Being. Through the trust we develop with that spiritual relationship, there are never challenges we can’t face and overcome. “The Tao Te Ching (Dao De Jing),” a philosophical book of Chinese thought says: When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” The truth is, when we allow ourselves to feel the feelings associated with pain, we can more easily recognize the messages of love and healing that will come through for us. When we face pain with acceptance, we trust that we’ll be led through it, and then out of it. Learning to face pain makes us stronger, more resilient, and better equipped to manage other adversity. From suffering we develop compassion; the insight we gain can be used to help others. In these ways our pain becomes something positive; a beacon of light in someone’s darkness, the reaching out of our hand and our heart towards someone who is hurting. In helping others to heal, we gain self-worth that assists us in our own healing process. And when we have healthy coping skills we can give our children a jump in life by teaching them how to best deal with the ups and downs they will inevitably face.
There is a great deal of fear involved in the process of letting go. How does one get past it? Professional therapy is a great place to start, in my opinion, because talking about our feelings helps us to understand them. Change can be terrifying, even when we truly desire it. It helps to have an expert guide us through the difficult process and to create an awareness of our self-defeating patterns. But however one chooses to do it; the first step in any healing process is acknowledging that a problem exists and desiring change. Healing is easier when we think of clinging to our pain as self sabotage; we are only hurting ourselves when we do this.
We should examine our triggers such as: negative attitudes and judgments, hot button issues, and areas of resistance. These are obvious indicators of an underlying problem, red flags marking the spots where we should begin excavating our buried feelings.
Allow yourself to imagine bundling up all the negative energy expended in suffering, and channeling it into a positive, purposeful future. Picture a brand new life, free of those burdens; the peace that will replace the distraction of negative memories. Visualize a new identity to replace the old one; a courageous self that can experience pain in a healthy way.
Change does not happen overnight. Take it one step at a time, letting go is a process. And letting go doesn’t mean becoming emotionless in regard to a traumatic event; it means giving up the torture we associate with our emotions in regard to a painful event. Change is about acceptance of our feelings. Acceptance does not mean approval; we can accept something but not approve of it. We never want to deny our emotions and feelings; they are what make us real, what make us loving and compassionate. The goal is being able to feel our emotions without tormenting ourselves, hanging on to them, or acting out. Try to isolate an event; acknowledge one traumatic memory that has held you hostage, whether it happened in childhood, last year, or last month. Honor that it was a real and significant event in your life. Reflect on the knowledge and understanding gained from having lived through that experience. The goal is to learn from it, not live in it. Assure yourself, with your rational mind, that this event was in the past, it was only one chapter in the story of your life; your feelings are safe now. Then, when you are ready, gently let go. Allow the pain to emerge from the deep recesses inside you. Grant your emotions the freedom to rise to the surface without blocking or judging. When the peak intensity of our emotions rises to the forefront of our consciousness, a healing will occur. Don’t be discouraged if nothing initially comes up. It took time to block the energy and it may take time to free it. Even if you don’t get the immediate result you hoped for, be proud of the courage it took to look your demon in the eye. You have faced your fear, opened up the flood gates; the release will come. It will be well worth the effort…when you finally liberate your pain, you will liberate yourself. The harbored thoughts were a poison…catharsis from the pain is the emotional detox.
What will life be like when we are no longer defined by our pain? Feeling pain means feeling human. Our experiences will always be a part of us, but every day will progressively bring forth an
enthusiastic new beginning with more energy, clarity, and peace of mind. With this clarity we can view life as a place of infinite possibilities, appreciate the countless blessings being offered to us, and see all the miracles occurring around us. Our hearts will know that we will be okay, regardless of the intensity of the difficulty, or how the situation turns out. Our relationships with others will benefit because we learn to discuss our feelings and then move on from disagreements; not hang on to resentments. We will live with intent, and acknowledge our power, view challenges as hopeful opportunities; expand our outlook and stretch our comfort zones. The confidence gained from the hindsight of positive outcomes will keep us moving forward, wanting more for ourselves than we have ever allowed or felt worthy of in the past. And our pride will come in knowing that we hold the power over pain, not the other way around.
In Closing: The purpose of this entire article is to offer
introspection and promote healing. We all have “aha” moments that alter the course of our lives. My wake-up call came when at a stage in my life was when death hit the family so hard, personal tragedies, engulfed me from left right and center. I may have continued to accept a life riddled with pain and dysfunction for me, but I refused to allow it to impact my future and focus. That meant one thing…I had to change. I had to find meaning and purpose in my life so that I could teach it to others too. I don’t want people to ever suffer the way I did. It is my sincere hope that you will find your own “aha” moments, whether through my writings and seminars or elsewhere, that will spark a similar, profound change in your life. That’s I say I have been taught and schooled by pain.
My life reads like an action movie script, pain I have realized is easier talked about but a very difficult companion to be with. I know what it is to be molested when growing up, to be scandalized, I have seen it all, but I look back and say it was all worthy the school and the knowledge to go through all these I went through, and now God has turned the same broken pieces of life to inspire millions. I recently had a wonderful email from someone in ,South Africa who is a member of Jordan Touch Communications, who shared with me something very personal and profound. After having gone through difficulties in relationships, man wanting just to take advantage of her, she said to me,” Herbert, I just want to say thank you for having walked with me this long, God has finally given me a man of my dreams” Not disclosing nothing about her,, that swept me off my feet with joy, having known what she went through, as she hoped and longed for God`s time. Congratulations my dear, delay doesn’t mean denial.

Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts- Forgive. Part 1 2 июня, 2011

Posted by Coach_Speaks in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
add a comment

Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts-
Forgive. Part 1
We have, or will all experience shattering times or violations in our lives that wound us deeply. To quote Thomas Chandler Halliburton, “The memory of past favors is like a rainbow – bright, vivid, and beautiful; but it soon fades away. The memory of injuries is engraved on the heart, and remains forever.” Pain is unavoidable; no one escapes life without suffering it. What’s important is how we deal with those events. Feelings are meant to be felt. The fastest way through suffering is to allow and trust the process.
So, why is it so hard to let go of our hurt? Pain comes in waves; it is part of the cycle of life. The problem arises when we find ourselves stuck in our pain. We may feel heavy-hearted, close ourselves off, constantly be on guard, or resentful.
There is a wellspring of possible causes for our torment. We are all unique and each of us reacts differently. Often the unresolved pain that we suffer as adults is deeply ingrained in us because it stems from childhood wounds.
Coping skills are not innate; they are a learned behavior. If we are lucky we learn healthy ones from our parents or guardians who model the proper behavior for us. But what if they never developed those skills themselves? Who do we learn from? I came from a home of chaos and confusion. The word cope was not in our dictionary – Words like anger, anxiety, denial, depression, blame, and victimization were. Learning to cope was an uphill battle for me, filled with trial and error…mostly error.
Without healthy coping skills, just as we often do with physical pain or injuries, when emotional pain hurts too much to comfortably feel, our instincts tell us to hide it, cover it with a bandage, or take a substance to relieve it. These are not coping skills; they are temporary fixes, makeshift survival skills. We begin a pattern of building walls, running and hiding from pain, and stuffing it…doing anything we can to avoid facing our problems and dealing with them. We put off something that we will inevitably have to deal with later. We may adopt a victim mentality; fail to understand why we should take responsibility for something we did not create or cause. These unhealthy coping skills become the armor we wear to safeguard our feelings. It becomes the only way we know how to hold ourselves together enough to navigate our way through life.
What are some of the ways we block our pain, and what happens when we do? Without realizing it, in our suffering, we exert a tremendous amount of energy trying to push the pain away. Life gets away from us. To quote Michael Cibenko, “One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.” Holding on to deadened pain will make this challenging journey through life much more difficult.
There are many things we do, sometimes consciously, sometimes not, to numb our pain. We may deny it; if we believe it didn’t happen, it didn’t. We may keep ourselves so busy that we never have time alone to think. We may drown our sorrows in drugs or alcohol, or sleep excessively – shop, work, eat, exercise, or gamble compulsively – become addicted to sex, pornography, cyber chatting, or games – talk compulsively – and as I did, with choosing to associate with problematic people, taking on the troubling issues of friends, and immersing myself as a codependent in addictive relationships, we may enmesh ourselves into other’s lives to redirect our focus.
We may stop pursuing new things or relationships to avoid being hurt, believing that it will protect us from failure, heartache, and rejection. Using deflective or avoiding behaviors to prevent ourselves from facing our deeper issues may allow us to hold it together for a while, but not forever. We believe that we are controlling the pain, but the more we suppress it, the more it begins to control us. The less we allow ourselves to feel, the less alive we will feel. The hurts we hold onto are like dams that block the free flow of our energy. And we can only suppress, mask, or numb our pain for so long before it starts seeping through the cracks in ways we don’t intend. What those of us who harbor pain or are paralyzed by it fail to see, is that by clinging to the pain, we are hurting ourselves more. Learning to let go of painful emotions is very difficult. For one thing, after having backlogged the associated feelings for so long, we’ve conditioned ourselves to fear feeling them. We’ve built walls around ourselves to protect our emotions. When I eventually sought professional therapy, I learned that it was healthy to have walls, or a better term is “boundaries,” but that the height of our walls should self-adjust according to life’s situations. The wall I had built starting in childhood only functioned two ways…all the way up, or all the way down. I was either entirely closed off, or dangerously open and vulnerable. That is why life was so painful for me. I couldn’t regulate my responses in a healthy way. As a person I went through so many painful l experiences in life and only recently I began opening up and it has been of great help to me, yes Herbert Mtowo, going through difficult experiences in childhood and issues of growth. Sometimes the pain is so dense and heaped so high inside of us; we have to peel it away, layer by layer in order to heal. The anger and resentment sometimes associated with our pain may eventually turn to bitterness. For some, these bitter feelings may provide a
self-righteous rationale to take a victim stance to embrace and justify their hurt. Letting go means releasing our clutch, removing our suit of armor, giving up something that has become an integral part of us…Taking off the badge we proudly wear that says, “I am hurt and entitled to it.” This requires a conscious effort that takes time, focus, patience, and practice. It means changing our patterns, redefining our identity. It is scary to imagine ourselves without the wounds we have integrated into our being for so long. Who will we be without them? Strange as it may seem, there is a sense of comfort in holding on to those negative feelings. A great line from the television show, The Wonder Years, says it well: “Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let it go.”

Consultant: Herbert Mtowo
Mobile S.A +27798665049
Telephone: S.A + 2712320 5869
Mobile Nam +264812316033
Skype name: hmtowo

The paralysis of betrayal 27 мая, 2011

Posted by Coach_Speaks in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
add a comment

By Namaste.

Last October, I discovered that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with another woman. Our story is complicated. We were married young, had a daughter and then were separated for eighteen years. So, after we were reunited, I thought that we both were committed for the rest of our lives, having gone through so much pain during the years we were apart.

The details are unimportant. If you are interested, then you can read through the rest of this blog for the juicy details. Start way back in October and you can read me flailing about trying to not fall down the deep hole of betrayal.

Betrayal has made me feel like shit. Betrayal has made me feel discarded. Betrayal, his betrayal, has made me feel like yesterday’s lunch. The experience of betrayal has made me distrustful of the universe. It has made me feel unwanted and useless. I have felt deceived, tricked and made a fool of. He cuckolded me. I have spent the past seven months cataloguing the emotions I have experienced through circling through the extended grief cycle of shock, denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance.

It was the worst long winter of my life. That was my thought, when it first happened, was trepidation about this shock, this trauma right before the onset of a northern New England winter. No, it can’t be. But it was. And it was, and it was, and it was.

I feel now like I’ve been in a train wreck and I’m trying to get up. I’m trying to stand. My legs are wobbly. I am weak. It is the loss of youth, of health, of strength. I am not the same person. This shock, this trauma, this betrayal has paralyzed me. Not just emotionally but physically. It is as if I have stopped and now I have to get up and start moving again. It was the asthma which came from the trauma which stopped me. I pretty much collapsed. I’m not sure how I got through the winter, or how I went to work every day. How did I buy the food? Feed the kids? Pay the bills? In between it all, I just went to bed and curled up in the fetal position and coughed and coughed and coughed.

I was paralyzed but I am trying to get up. I am so mad about what he’s done to me. Why couldn’t he have stayed away, after eighteen years? Why didn’t he just leave me alone?

But I know the answer now, which I did not know last fall. It is simply this; he is still selfish and irresponsible. These have become his main character traits.

So pray for me, please, as I try to arise and walk again.