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LETTING GO PAIN AND LOVE ANYWAY. Март 13, 2012

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage.
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BY HERBERT MTOWO
We have all experienced emotional pain. Often times someone we have loved has turned their backs on us. Maybe it was a betrayal. Perhaps it was an intentional act of malevolence or outright hatred. Yes, I think we’ve all been there a time or two. Unfortunately that is the nature of human dynamics. Finding joy in these situations is still possible. You simply have to realign your thinking.

When we are attacked, especially by someone we love, the feelings that strike us are negative and hurtful. I mean, how could he or she have done such a thing? Didn’t they know how much you loved them?

In this life there are no sure guarantees. Just because someone loves you today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow. An act of betrayal or hate is usually the sign that the other person has decided to move on to other life paths. Regardless of how much you loved them, there is nothing you can do to change their minds. Remember that, in the end, we are only responsible for our own actions and mental / emotional states. We are not judged by others but by ourselves. When we have learned to expect love or respect in return for what we feel or gave, we set ourselves up for ultimate failure.

Think about the person who has attacked you. Push aside the pain a moment and remember the reasons why you loved that person. Why did you feel that way? Was it so that they would return your affection or was it simply because you cared for them? Has anything really changed? Perhaps they no longer love you, but how do you feel for them?

True love isn’t a quid-pro-quo arrangement. True love says I love you unconditionally. It isn’t about getting something in return. It’s about giving of yourself. The fact that the person no longer wants what you have to give does not make your feelings insignificant. Why? The reason is that love is an intrinsic piece of who you are. You gave that love freely because you chose to. Now it is up to you to continue to feel that way. But will you?

If you decide to be hurt and pull back your love, you only hurt yourself as your love for another person is a reflection of yourself. If you give into anger and hatred then you become angry and hateful. Never do that. Instead continue to realize why you love that person and don’t let go of that emotion. It is OK to let go of the person, but not the love. Take your matured love and move on to another person. By doing so you will become a stronger person less susceptible to pain because you know that you love for love’s sake and not because someone returned a feeling. True love exists intrinsically, and love for a return like an investment was never love but an empty need. You have the choice to make your heart and mind whatever you want. Let love lead you through the pain and finding joy will be your reward. Love unconditionally and learn to let go and move on.

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HAVE THE COMMITMENT TO RECOVER AFTER INFIDELITY!! Декабрь 28, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in family relationship.
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 by Herbert Mtowo

Dealing with the pain of infidelity is not an easy thing. Once you come to the realization that your partner has been unfaithful it can feel very much like the ground beneath you has given away. Your life, as you have known it, ceases to exist. You are suddenly thrust into an emotional blender and you feel as though you don’t know which direction is up. Trying to process your emotions isn’t something that can be done overnight. It takes time, patience and understanding to heal from adultery. There are specific things you can do that will help you move through the pain and get on to living your life again as a whole person.

When you are dealing with the pain of infidelity you have to acknowledge that the affair wasn’t your fault. This sounds simple enough but it’s not. Many people who are the victims of an affair in their relationship start to question their own self worth. That’s completely understandable given the fact that the person you loved most in the world has chosen someone else in an intimate sense. You wonder if it happened because you weren’t physically desirable anymore or perhaps you’ll question whether your partner has fallen out of love with you. Affairs happen for any number of reasons but in each and every case it’s the person who cheated who has to shoulder the blame. Looking outside of your primary relationship for intimate gratification is a choice. Your partner made that choice and it wasn’t you or anything that you did that pushed them to do that.

You also have to express what you are feeling to your partner and they must be willing to listen to you. Being cheated on brings up a whole host of emotions in a person. You feel angry, confused, sad, rejected and unsure of the future. You need to have the freedom to explore those feelings and to get them out into the open. If your partner is focused on fixing your broken relationship, he or she will be more than willing to bear the brunt of what you have to share.

You’re also going to have a number of questions that you need answered. Even though your partner may cringe when you ask them, it’s important that they answer them as truthfully as possible for you. One of the most painful things about infidelity is the mystery that surrounds it. If you don’t know the details of what happened, you will constantly wonder. That’s why one of the best ways for dealing with the pain of infidelity is to just get everything out in the open so it can then stay in the past from that moment forward.

Many couples have to face the issue of infidelity in their relationship.

What is it with men and commitment ? Part 2 Август 23, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in Blogs, eMagazines, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage.
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Why Commitment Develops

So why would somebody give up any choices in life? What is it about commitment that would make the whole idea of giving up anything worthwhile? Figure 1 presents a model for how commitment develops. The reason commitment develops answers the question as to why one would ever make a choice to give up other choices in the first place. First, attraction develops based on partners’ similarities and differences. There is a great deal of mystery, thankfully, in the roots of attraction, but let’s assume for the moment that the attraction has developed between two people. Because of this, they spend more time together. As the relationship progress, the ongoing satisfaction between partners results in a growing emotional attachment. However, along with the attachment comes a type of anxiety. I believe this is a nearly universal phenomenon. Why do we get anxious? We get anxious because we start to think about and feel the potential for loss of something valuable (Stanley, Lobitz, & Dickson, 1999): “I like you, I like spending time with you, I enjoy being with you. What if you’re not going to stay with me? What if you’re not going to remain in my life?” While I think this attachment process is entirely normal; I also believe that people will vary in how they experience it based on their own attachment history in their family of origin or in prior, romantic relationships. It is important to recognize that the development of attachment is not the same as the development of commitment, nor is attachment the same as commitment. Strong attachments between partners often lead to commitment, but this is not automatic. It is the formation of commitment—a clear series of decisions about choices and the future—that brings security to a relationship, thereby settling any anxieties about attachment. Attachment often pushes one to desire security but commitment brings evidence that one can actually trust that security exists. This simple model portrays what may be the most important role that commitment plays in relationship success and failure. Accordingly, marriage represents the highest expression of security between romantic partners. Therefore, a clearly understood, expressed, and regularly acted out I do is going to be the strongest foundation for relationship quality and security. Of course marriages are not always permanent. But, generally speaking, two partners derive a sense of permanence and a future when they look each other in the eyes and say I do and—by implication—I will. Couples clearly expressing and acting on such commitment will have an easier time in large measure because the long term perspective is in place to begin with, and that is crucial to help them. Weather the ups and downs that are inevitable in life together. Conflicts, set backs, and challenges that could otherwise threaten a relationship will be managed better because of the secure bond. The world`s [people] view of how commitment in relationships develops appear to be changing. In a report entitled Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right, Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt examined the dating experiences of women on college campuses, focusing on how they are thinking about their relationships and how relationships form (Glenn & Marquardt, 2001). One fact gleaned by observing the current dating scene among college students is that there are relatively few standards and structures for relationship development compared to past eras. Personally, I have been struck by how much has changed in recent decades. It used to be that there were relatively clear steps in relationship formation for a great number of people. While I am sure customs have always varied by region and cultural background, relationships progressed along pathways marked by stages of commitment. For many, dating moved toward “going steady” who may have moved to a woman being “pinned” or wearing her beau’s class ring, and so forth. These actions represent emblems of commitment, with such patterns being ways young people practiced making commitments. It seems that such steps of practicing commitment are no longer existent for many younger people in America. In talking to experts in this field, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not at all clear that anything else has replaced these patterns that have largely disappeared. In contrast, there is a general practicing of not committing, or not committing in any particularly tangible ways. I’m not suggesting—not at all—that young people should become, using Norval Glenn’s (2002) concept, prematurely entangled and thereby close out alternative options too early in a relationship. Yet, I am suggesting that some important symbols of commitment have been lost in recent years and I think the loss is meaningful. Such a shift in basic relationship development behaviors is clear in Glenn and Marquardt’s report. It is also very clear in Popenoe and Whitehead’s (2002) findings that such emblems of commitment are no longer made in young adulthood. Rather, relationships and boundaries and futures are ambiguous as couples develop toward the possibility of marriage. Hence, with regard to the developmental model presented earlier, attachments without commitments have become widespread. This change, I believe, has consequences.

Where We Find Few Differences between Men and Women in Commitment

Before exploring the ways in which I believe commitment works differently for men and women, I want to look at a few ways in which men and women are quite similar with regard to commitment. In a nationwide, random digit dialing phone survey that we conducted in 1995, we found that married men are, on average, just as dedicated as married women to their spouses (if not more so) (Stanley & Markman, 1997; Stanley, Markman, & Whitton, 2002). Similar findings were also found in the large survey we conducted in Oklahoma. Additionally, in the Oklahoma study, there were no meaningful differences between men and women in terms of how trapped they felt in their marriages (Johnson et al., 2002). Being equally dedicated to marriage does not mean that people derive equal benefits from the dedication of their partners. The benefits of commitment in marriage may be somewhat different between men and women. On balance, it appears that men and women both benefit from marriage, though men may benefit somewhat more; and women clearly are more likely to suffer the most when marriages fail or are of chronic low quality (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). I will come back to this point about benefits of marriage. In the same national poll noted above, cohabiting individuals were, on average, less dedicated to their partners than their married counterparts, even when controlling for length of relationship in years (Stanley, Whitton, & Markman, 2004). Hence, it is not merely institutional commitment that matters in our culture (i.e., whether you are married or not). Commitment to the institution of marriage does tend to differ between marrieds and cohabiters (Nock, 1995). More importantly, institutional commitment appears to be linked with interpersonal commitment (dedication) to the partner. Thus, some people may under-interpret the meaning of their partner’s reluctance (male or female) to move toward marriage in the future. Resistance of marriage may, quite often, mean uncertainty about the relationship, not merely uncertainty about marriage per se.

Differences between the Sexes in Views of Marriage and Commitment

With this background on commitment in mind, I want to explore a theory about one of the major ways commitment is different between women and men related to marriage: Although married men and women may be equally committed (dedicated) on average, men see the line between marriage and not marriage differently than women do. Below, I review the research and thinking that led me to this theoretical statement. This is, to be clear, a theory requiring more thought and testing in the years to come; but it is a theory that explains a great deal of what people often see in the behavior of men compared to women.

The Desire for Marriage

Let us look at some simple findings that suggest a difference between men and women in the view of marriage. First, various findings suggest that men, compared to women, see marriage as more desirable or important. In a 1998 poll, 39% of unmarried men reported that they would prefer to be married, whereas 29% percent of unmarried women reported that they would prefer to be married. In a 1994 with a similar question, but different wording, 59% percent of unmarried men said they want to get married, whereas 48 percent of women said they did. There is some evidence of a difference in men’s and women’s views of marriage having opened up on the past few decades in the Monitoring the Future surveys conducted by the Survey Research Center at the University of Michigan. Over the past few decades, roughly 38% of male high school seniors agree or mostly agree that people who marry have happier lives than those who remain single or cohabit (see Figure 2). While the percentage has remained unchanged for males during this period, between 1976 and 2000, the percentage of female high school seniors who think that marriage matters in this same way fell from 37.8% to 28.5%.

This is an amazing gap opening up between young men and young women, with women increasingly coming to think, at least in high school, that marriage really does not matter. Of course, these data also make it clear that the majority of both young men and women believe similarly, but I think the change in female beliefs is particularly disturbing. It is almost as if we have finally succeeded in talking young women into thinking that marriage does not really have a great bearing on their prospects in life—this at the same time, as I will mention later, it is becoming clearer that marriage may make a particularly important difference in how men treat women. Broadly speaking, all of these data show a 10-point difference in the percentage of males and females regarding beliefs about the value or desirability of marriage. This is a curious thing.

The popular conception is that men are commitment phobic, especially about marriage, and women are the ones eager to move relationships toward that committed state. But these data suggest that men, maybe more than women, would be the ones pursuing marriage because they may actually see it as a more desirable or important step. What could explain this disconnect between the popular perceptions of men and the sentiments that men express? As I mentioned above, I think an understanding of how men vs. women see crossing the line between marriage and not marriage may explain a great deal. To build the case for this theory that there are important differences in views about “the line,” I will present findings from four sources, but I would point out that there are many other ways these arguments could be supported.

What is presented here are merely the steps on the path I took, and they are in the order I find most logically compelling for this presentation, not at all in the order that I encountered them:

1) qualitative, focus group research by Whitehead and Popenoe presented this year, and at this conference;

2) findings and thought from the work of sociologist Steve Nock;

3) findings from work in our lab on sacrifice and commitment; and

Is your man commited enough?

4) findings from our research on cohabitation prior to marriage.

A testimony of a Restored Marriage. [Based on a true story] PART 1 Август 18, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage.
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After I read this story, I felt it would be noble to share it on this site and lots many people around me. It’s worthy reading over and over, especially now when we go through different challenges when it comes to relationships and marriages. All details and events in the story are as they were given word by word, nothing has been edited, except that the true identities of the people involved has been kept a secret. [HERBERT MTOWO]

I first want to say to all those that are hurting — I KNOW WHAT YOU   ARE GOING THROUGH and I am so completely in agreement of the pain you’re experiencing.  I also know however that WITH JESUS he can heal ALL WOUNDS.  We may not be living the way WE want to in the present moment but God has a plan and it’s perfect.  He’s not a magician. We don’t get to pray and then POOF our problems magically disappear but He WILL do what He says he will. God says he will never forsake us and he will help us THROUGH our circumstances. Not over them. Not under them.  THROUGH THEM. God wants us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). The problem is what we really want Him to do is hear our prayers and then act on them according to our timetable, our rules and our script.  God is using this time while our spouse is away to REFINE US.  He wants us to TAKE OUR EYES off of our spouse. To take our eyes OFF OUR CIRCUMSTANCE and have FAITH and TRUST HIM that He will do what he says He will do.   Hebrews 11:1 says: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. While we stand, while we wait, we don’t SEE changes. We don’t SEE God working but He is and we’re having faith and believing and KNOWING that God is doing what He says He will.   That’s faith!

I prayed about retyping this. I thought for a moment maybe it wasn’t meant for me to share it after I lost it when I timed out but I prayed about it and I am praying that what I share, that with the blessing God has given me and wants to give everyone that through Jesus, I will touch someone and solidify what God wants from us.  We, us, people, we are like the ISRAELITES.   God delivered them from slavery and promised them safe arrival in THE PROMISED LAND.  It was ONLY AN ELEVEN DAY JOURNEY.  Instead it took them FORTY YEARS TO GET THERE! Why? They grumbled! They complained! They put everything else before God.  They had just been delivered from darkness and were still complaining about what they didn’t have because things were not as they wanted.  So God let them wander.  Isn’t that like us today? Blinded by sin whether it’s pornography, gambling,  adultery, sexual immorality, greed, fornication,  lying, stealing,  drugs, disrespecting our spouses, not loving our  spouses, holding  grudges, not forgiving? My husband was in OBVIOUS sin but I was a sinner too, my sin was just hidden behind closed doors and I didn’t even know it was sin!  I complained to anyone who would listen about what my spouse was doing. I was mad! I had resentment and bitterness.   Let me tell you, forgiveness is like CANCER it spreads and what it breeds will spiritually kill you.  My dad walked out on my mom and she is STILL bitter, still resentful and that was over 19 years ago.  I was headed down that same path, more consumed by what my spouse was doing to me then letting it all go and letting God heal me.  Let me share.

In 2009 my husband just after our 15th anniversary had a VERBAL BLOW UP.  We were having a minor disagreement and BAM out of nowhere he let out an explosive verbal assault on things I had never heard from him before.   He didn’t want to die an average man doing average things.  WHAT? His life was boring and he was sick of the routine. WELL WHO ISN’T AT TIMES? He noticed how I was more of a mother than a wife. SAY WHAT? He felt like something was missing and didn’t know what. I didn’t know at the time of this verbal assault (that lasted 3 hours) it was directed at ME. He wasn’t happy with me! He felt average WITH ME.  He thought something was missing and *I* couldn’t fill it.  I did not know that my husband was already imagining having an affair at this time. I didn’t know at this time that thoughts were already in his head about pursuing someone other than me.  An affair starts IN THE MIND.  It starts slow and builds. A person has lust in their heart sometimes and it grows until they act on it.  Some people have had it growing from as far back as their childhood; they may have been sexually abused or grew up in a home with pornography in a parent or a family member.  Some people like my spouse harbor unexpressed feelings for years.

My husband grew up in an emotionally repressed home. His mother was manipulative and vindictive and he wasn’t allowed to speak up/out against things that bothered him.   I did not know this until now.  I always thought my husband was laid back and went with the flow. I  didn’t know all the years we were married  that my husband craved an  emotionally SOUND environment free of  confrontation and belittlement  and that he craved affection (his mother  never expresses any even  now).  Combine that with me and my childhood issues of having a father emotionally distant to his family and a mother, sister and brother who was very sensitive and craving his attention and often winding up on the floor in a blubbering mess, I vowed to NEVER be sensitive to ALWAYS speak up and speak out and to SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID.  An explosion waiting to happen right?

My spouse (and a lot of our spouses here) start building someone else up in their minds.  That person becomes ALL THAT THEY THINK WE ARE NOT (and maybe we haven’t been.) I had grown to become resentful of my husband the last 4-5 years.  He never defended me when his mother lashed out at me or tried to do something vindictive to me. I took him not speaking up for me as a sign of weakness which was what?  A flashback to my  childhood and NO  ONE was going to have me under their thumb so I started  believing in my  mind that my husband did not even DESERVE my respect.   God calls wives to respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33) I didn’t.  I started holding back affection too. I build up in my mind that since he   couldn’t do what I wanted him to do then I wouldn’t do what he wanted   me to do.  Oh how wrong was my thinking! My husband wasn’t weak; he just never learned that expressing himself was HEALTHY and that some   confrontations are GOOD. He held everything inside until it manifested   out loud because God says what we think on we act and do.  My husband   started believing after 15 years and never so much as looking twice at   another woman that he couldn’t get what he craved from me so he looked   elsewhere.  Once our spouses build someone else up in their minds, we   get torn down in their hearts and they believe that person is what they   need, want, deserve.

After a few months I found some emails of my husband flirting with another woman online. She commented   on photos of his family saying «you have a beautiful family» and then   promptly sent him a link to photos of her on the beach!  I knew he had   never met the person but they were having some sort of online flirt   fest.  I was so hurt and wounded. My husband was mortified! We cried   together all day he was so upset he did what he did, I was so shocked   and I believed him when he said nothing had happened.  He even called   her on the phone in front of me and broke off all ties. I was relieved   and thought if this is our only down in 15 years I could live with it.

Well,   guess what? The thoughts were still there about him not being happy.   The enemy was still putting in his head that he could never find   happiness here with me so Satan dropped someone else not much longer   that was also online.  This person was more than willing to be the other woman. I knew nothing. This affair was basically going on under my nose.  Oh the betrayal! I had no idea. I found out by accident of course and immediately said I wanted a divorce.  He denied it but I had proof and so eventually he relented and said yes he did. He looked stuck but didn’t say he would stop which was fine with me, I wanted out. I was so mortified and so shocked I went the very next day to get on anti-anxiety meds.  I thought the tears would never stop. I also went to see a Christian counselor and she said «what if this one thing was the worst there is in all the years of marriage you’ve had?» I thought about that and told my H I would give him another chance and forgive him. He said “thank you but I’m still going to talk to this other person.»  WHAT?  Oh  my GOSH I’m wounded and bleeding here and I’m  telling you I will give  you a second chance and you throw that back at  me? Unbelievable I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe it. We were almost at 16 years now and He was choosing the affair over his wife?  I lashed out, begged, pleaded, condemned, verbally abused and physically lashed out at my husband for a month! He was still in the house and I would catch him texting this person or going outside to text or chat with. I couldn’t take the blatant disrespect. I could not believe who my husband had turned into.  It was like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I didn’t know him anymore it seemed.  Someone had taken him captive (and it was — Satan had taken him captive — 2 Timothy 2:26). I even asked him do you still love me. He said yes but I’m not IN love with you.  Ouch. Some days he was in tears over what he was doing other times he was aloof distant and arrogant almost. It was surreal to watch,

After a month of that, he left. He said «this isn’t   working for me» and left.  I said «well of course it’s not working,   you’re still pursuing the affair!» and I physically lashed out again for one good measure.  Ticked off is not the word. I felt rejected and treated like garbage. I was obsessed with thinking of how I could get even. I figured out who the other person was and contemplated about sending them a nasty email. I wanted EVERYONE to know what had been done to me and I wanted him to feel HORRIBLE. I kept hearing a voice saying «I’m not done with you both yet.» I didn’t know at the time God  was trying to get  my attention but because I was so focused on being  revengeful and  focusing on what had occurred, I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t WANT to pay attention.  I started going online to the midlife   crisis forums and venting there about what was happening and found out   about Rejoice Ministries. I did not want to hear anything they said   either. I just wanted to make my husband pay for what he did to me.

A testimony of a Restored Marriage. [Based on a true story] PART 2 Август 18, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage.
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About this time my husband has moved out and I really almost had an emotional breakdown. Everything he took with him left a gaping hole where things had once been. Our home did not feel like a home and our kids were so affected (another fuel to my anger) and hurt and sad. My husband’s blinders were on so tight he wouldn’t even talk to me about their pain. He was still very much a part of their lives but he would not talk about what was happening to them (the guilt was too overwhelming to do so). Emotions were off limits and he tried to pretend that things would get better with time. At this time I’m starting my stand. I put my ring back on and I laid my husband at the foot of the cross and took my hands off him. I knew God would bring him home, not me or my attempts to guilt him into waking up. I was reading my bible and praying throughout the day and even praying and sharing with our children that God would restore our family and that they’d witness the power of prayer. I went back to everyone I had ever said anything negative to about my spouse and told them to pray for us and him and that God was going to do a miracle.

I decided to not listen to what the world says which is «move on, you deserve someone else, people can’t change unless they want to» and listen to God and trust Him that He’d touch my husband and heal him. God gave me so many signs to keep standing. On rejoice ministries people talk of seeing a COVENANT truck as a sign of encouragement to stand for their covenant spouse. I looked up the company and realized I’d never see one as they don’t travel through my area. It was about 2 weeks later when I saw a red truck pulling a long white trailer. I was waiting to turn right at a corner and they were turning left ever so slowly. I was annoyed. I had to wait for this longgggggggg Ford truck to turn pulling this longgggggggg white trailer. When they finally got fully around I pulled behind them at the light. I burst out laughing out loud; the back of the trailer was completely bare with nothing on it but the word COVENANT at the bottom. I just put my hands up and praised God for the sign. Every time I saw my spouse I was hoping to see his ring back on. I never did. He was polite but kept his distance when around me. I noticed new clothing, a new style of dress. He often would not meet my eyes and would come over and leave so quickly at times. Other times he’d take 20 minutes to get out the door. I always thought it was because he was thinking of asking to have something else to take out of the house.

Now I know otherwise. A letter came in the mail — he had withdrawn money from his 401k. I was LIVID! I wanted to pick up the phone and confront him because I didn’t know if we were going to divorce and that 401k money was partly mine legally but God placed it on my heart TO BE STILL so I kept quiet. Father’s Day was coming. I didn’t know what to do. He had the kids for the weekend so I prayed about giving him a card. God gave me peace about doing so and so I put his card in one of the kids’ overnight bags. He contacted me and said thank you for the card. I was shocked. I was going to church that Sunday and asked if he wanted to meet me there with the kids. He agreed. DOUBLE SHOCKED. He came to church with the kids and wow, when God wants to get a message to you he will get it to you. The sermon was on THE PRODIGAL SON and they speaker spoke about how there are so many prodigals out there. Children who have left their homes to run away and FATHERS & MOTHERS WHO HAVE LEFT THEIR FAMILIES TO PURSUE SEXUAL IMMORALITY. WOW talk about an uncomfortable service! LOL my husband was sitting next to me, we looked like a happy family if you didn’t know what was going on but he was fidgeting the entire time. I invited him over for 4th of July. He declined and sent me a visitation schedule for the month and said maybe this would help make a smooth transition so we’d have less contact. My heart sank. Because of the kids we had a lot of contact, now it seemed we would not. I still knew God would do what he wanted to do. Our 16th anniversary came and the Holy Spirit told me «get him a card» I prayed for God to help me find the perfect card and have never looked so hard for one in all my life. I think I visited 3 Hallmark stores and went to 2 different Targets and a Papyrus! LOL I finally found the «perfect card» and when I went to check-out, the cashier read the card, I remember thinking «how RUDE!» and then she said «wow this is the perfect card!» Wow, thank you God for confirming that for me. I sent him a text and asked if he could meet me in the parking lot of his apartment and gave him the card. He had nothing for me but I had prayed that God would send 10 prodigals home in lieu of my spouse having something for me for our anniversary. About 20 min later he sent me a text and said Happy Anniversary . Thank you, I didn’t forget. A week later he asked me out. It’s been almost 7m now since that date and slowly but surely things are coming out. My H often says “I think back to last summer and I just shake my head.» I even asked him once something he said that was particularly painful and he said ‘I said that? When?», It’s like he doesn’t even remember which fortifies what they say at Rejoice Ministries, Satan is their mouthpiece when they’re in sin. My H as told me about 3 times a week (it was every day at first) «thank you for standing in the gap» and «I’m so glad I’m home.» He said he had no peace and there was a constant chatter in his head. I asked him when he knew he should be at home and he said «as soon as I left but I was too prideful to return right away.» Just recently (and I might have shared this in another post) he said «I am so sorry I fell prey to the deceit of believing what I had with someone else I didn’t have with you. It took me hitting the ground off the slippery slope to realize I already had that x100.» Wow. God wants to speak to you. He won’t tell you EVERYTHING because His ways are not our ways but He will give you insight. I remember when my spouse was gone, the Holy Spirit told me, “he will not return longing or craving or missing the other person but he will return full of guilt and shame.» I almost fell out of my chair one day when my husband said out the blue, «I hope you know I’m not missing craving or longing to be with . And oh boy did he have shame. I think the first 60 days he sat around the house like a deer in headlights. He looked shell shocked. It was heartbreaking to see. I share this not to brag, oh no. Not at all. I pray no one feels that way. I share this because I know this is a testimony for others to gain strength from and stand just the way others testimonies have done for me.

My testimony does not match theirs and yours will not match mine. It will be unique and different so it will reach people who need to hear what you went through. I can honestly say with all my heart I would go back to day one just to get where I am with God now. I was a Christian before but I was a baby Christian. I did not know God’s word; I did not really know what God could or would do. I did not know God would speak to me. I did not really know that God has a plan for me even in the midst of my pain and confusion. That he would work out all the kinks and straighten it all out. Not in my timing and not my way but in His way and his way is PERFECT. For I know the plans I have for you,» declares the LORD, «plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. … Jeremiah 29:11 I pray this testimony will be a blessing to someone. I leave you with my favorite scripture Proverbs 3:5-7 and a prayer I prayed every day because I wanted God to fight this battle for me in the spiritual realm: Psalm 35. Also Google “marriage restoration prayers» there are many out there already written up that you can pray with your spouses name in them with scripture. Pray Hosea 2:6 over your spouses caught in the deception of adultery.

Ask God to strengthen the hedge and to bound God’s commandments around their neck and write it in their hearts. To watch over them when they’re sleeping and guide them during the day. Trust and know God is doing it. He goes after his lost sheep and who is more lost than a prodigal spouse? 1 Peter 5:8 says: «Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.» He wants to devour families and marriages. Stand alert! Put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) over yourself, your spouse and your children. Blessings to you all. Sorry this is so long.

Sexual dysfunctions and remedies Part 2. Июнь 7, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
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Sexual dysfunctions and remedies Part 2.

Taking too much sugar ,salt, alcohol ,fat and stress are the main causes of erectile dysfunctions’, premature ejaculations’ etc. there is lots of good in taking clean water ,fruits ,vegetables ,giving the body and mind enough rest, nuts family foods etc and the list which follows below also help a lot. Those in the nutrition field will agree with me on these and other foods are recommended and the others I listed not recommended.

Forget the Spanish fly, Rhinoceros horn or other rumored aphrodisiacs, the most natural libido enhancers are easily accessible and good for your overall health. For thousands of years, humans have been experimenting with various foods and herbs to improve health conditions and support sexual wellness.

The Romans placed oysters high on their list of prized aphrodisiacs. Even Casanova, as the legend goes, ate dozens of raw oysters for breakfast. Not only do they resemble a vagina in look and feel, oysters are high in zinc, which is necessary for sperm production. Raw oysters contain dopamine, and are also high in nutrients that increase testosterone levels.

If you’re not into slurping raw oysters every morning, you can certainly spice up your love life with some good old-fashioned cooking including some of these sexy foods:

Asparagus is rich in vitamin E, which stimulates the hormone production needed for a more active sex life.

Bananas contain bromelain enzyme, which is thought to improve male libido. They’re also rich in potassium and B vitamins, necessary for sex hormone production. The banana and its flower have a marvelous phallic shape and a long-time popular aphrodisiac food.

Avocados are packed with nutrients essential to sexual health, including beta carotene, magnesium and vitamin E. The Aztecs called the avocado tree «Ahuacuatl which translated means «testicle tree». The ancients thought the fruit hanging in pairs on the tree resembled the male’s testicles. This is a delicious fruit with a sensuous texture. Serve in slices with a small amount of Balsamic vinegar and freshly ground pepper.

Celery supports male virility and contains androsterone, one of the most potent of the male pheromones known to sexually arouse women.

Figs increase libido and improve sexual stamina because they are high in amino acids, the building blocks of protein which is needed for the brain chemical dopamine. An open fig is thought to emulate the female sex organs and traditionally thought of as sexual stimulant. Eating a fig in front of your lover can be a powerful erotic act.

Sea vegetables such as kelp, dulse and nori contain calcium, iodine and iron and may boost libido.

Chocolate has phenylethylamine and serotonin, two chemicals that light up pleasure areas in the brain. Chocolate is similar to sex and being in love, in that it makes you feel good.

Ginseng stimulates the circulatory system and revitalizes the whole body — interestingly has a human-like shape root. Perhaps a stir-fry with freshly grated ginger can stir something spicy up in the bedroom later.

Asparagus is frequently enjoyed as an aphrodisiac food — not to mention its phallic shape. Feed your lover boiled or steamed spears for a sensuous experience.

Carrots, which are high vitamins and beta-carotene, are believed to be a stimulant. The phallus shaped carrot has been associated with stimulation since ancient times and was used by early Middle Eastern royalty to aid seduction.

Basil is said to stimulate sex drive and boost fertility, and also said to produce a general sense of well being for the body and mind. Sweet basil is easy to grow and add to many of your home cooked meals and salads.

Honey! Why do we call our loved ones this? What could be sweeter? Many medicines in Egyptian times were based on honey including cures for sterility and impotence. Medieval seducers plied their partners with Mead, a fermented drink made from honey. Lovers on their «Honeymoon» drank mead and it was thought to «sweeten» the marriage.

Pine Nuts are high in zinc — a key mineral necessary to maintain male potency. Pine nuts have been used to stimulate the libido as far back as Medieval times. Serve pine nut cookies with a dark espresso for a stimulating dessert.

Pineapple is rich in vitamin C and is used in the homeopathic treatment for impotence. Add a spear to a sweet beverage for a tasty prelude to an evening of passion.

Raspberries & Strawberries are high in vitamin C and perfect foods for hand feeding your lover. Both invite love and are described in erotic literature as «fruit nipples».

Wine relaxes the body and our nerves, as well as helps to stimulate our senses. Drinking wine with your lover can be an erotic experience. A glass or two of wine can greatly enhance a romantic interlude; however excessive alcohol will make you too drowsy for the after-dinner romance. A moderate amount of wine has been said to «arouse» but much more than that amount with have the reverse affect.

While these are all simple and wonderful ideas, it is also important to take a daily supplement to help maintain overall well being, vitality and healthy libido. A daily capsule or two of a holistic blend of all-natural herbs can increase energy, strength and endurance as well as improve your mood, passion and sex drive.

For Women

Add Lib is a natural libido enhancementand revolutionary women’s daily supplement. Add Lib is formulated with all natural plant and mushroom extracts, antioxidants, vitamins, essential oils and other phytonutrients to balance hormones, and re-ignite sexual desire and passion for life. Women also notice a significant increase in energy levels and improved mood when taking Add Lib on a daily basis. Add Lib contains 100% natural extracts from Fenugreek Seed (promotes healthy libido), American Ginseng (energy), Damiana (libido booster), Cordyceps (vitality booster), Maitake (overall health), Maca (energy/libido booster), Vitamin B12 (energy/immune function), Wulinshen (alleviates insomnia), and Passionflower (balance).

For Men

Mdrive is a daily supplement designed specifically for men looking to increase strength, stamina and overall vitality. Mdrive’s synergistic blend of powerful, unique, highly concentrated extracts was developed to support healthy testosterone and cardio functions. Mdrive contains very specific powerful extracts from the Fenugreek Seed (increase testosterone), Cordyceps Mushroom (energy, respiration, blood flow, focus), Maitake (overall health), Maca (energy/libido booster), American Ginseng (energy), and Damiana (libido boost

Eating these and many others is a good way to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and body exercise does play a major role also in helping. Most men are sleeping around not because they have much fire power with women, but they cant satisfy the women in their lives, so they are running away from the challenge to perform and just end up look for hit and run sex. This is a good reminder to all men, as women grow up their sex drive shoots up and if you have not been eating well all these years you will surely have a problem satisfying the woman, because her sex drive ahs since shot up high and your lifestyle and eating habits have since killed the capacity in you to perform well to expected standers by the woman. There is nothing as scary as having a woman how is not sexually satisfied in your life that’s a bomb waiting to explode any time.

Sexual dysfunctions and remedies. Part 1. Июнь 7, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
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Sexual dysfunctions and remedies. Part 1.

As I traveled the streets of Randfontein in South Africa sometime late last year, I met several people both men and women with fliers and brochures’ with several names of self made Doctors of love , with so many proposed remedies for sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunctions’, premature ejaculations, penis size enlargements. Interestingly these aren’t confided to the streets of Randfontein, I discovered it’s all over not only South Africa but the entire African continent and the world at Large. In the land of the brave there is lots of them in one weekly popular newspaper, and they seem to offer the same prescriptions as the many I have met in Pretoria, and several cities in the world. A lady walked to me with one of these fliers to me, and I spoke to her in isiZulu, that madam am fine I don’t need any remedy, she stood akimbo and looked at me surprisingly because almost every man who passed by picked up one and even some women picked up some am sure for the men in their lives.

Sad to say this is an issue I feel has not been given much attention, but it is one of the major causes of relational breakdowns, both amongst Christians and unbelievers alike. It’s something both men and women must agree to tackle head on as we try to put a stop to extra marital relationships, sugar mummies and sugar dads. This I have realized that most men are very careless about their choice of foods and don’t even bother to check if the food they consume is good for their bodies. So in the next coming articles am going to take you through to the dangers of not eating well and choosing the right foods.

It’s a topic which am not a master at but one which I have wisely and am widely researched and have keen interest in being a counselor and an HIV/AIDS consultant, it is important for me to have a say on this topic which many would dare not tread on unless they are labeled. But this I emphasize I do not at all promote multiple partners, I am one man who believes in faithfulness and abstinence of which I think these two haven’t been given much publicity as condomising. I am a man who still believes that its not macho to have multiple sexual partners and one won’t die if they aren’t involved in sexual activities,

I grew up in an African environment where eating lots of salt was encouraged to men and even young men, to boost their sexual performance. And most men strongly believe that lots of salt and fat are good for their sexual performance, unfortunately it does more harm than good. Such sexual problems like erectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculation, etc all have got to do with poor eating habits. And the self made Doctors on the streets are cashing on that, because they know there is a problem, even though they know that their prescriptions’ have long-term side effects which even worsen the situation later. Men must wake up now and take full control of their destinies and know what gets into their mouth all in the name of good food, as much as the women in their lives must also be responsible in making sure their men eat healthy to address this problem.

Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts- Forgive. Part 2 Июнь 2, 2011

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Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts-
Forgive. Part 2

Many of us may wonder…if pain hurts so bad, why do we always hear about it being a positive force in our lives? While in the midst of our sadness, grieving, or disappointment, the overwhelming feelings make it hard to imagine that our pain has a greater purpose. But there is always a universal intention and a lesson to be learned from every challenge we face in life. Something good always rises out of something bad. We evolve our soul through hardships. All the positivity of life, like love, hope, and faith, would not exist without it. Suffering is essentially life’s gift; it brings us knowledge, strength, compassion, and understanding. When we are brought to our knees, we develop a closer relationship with God, the Universe, or a Supreme Being. Through the trust we develop with that spiritual relationship, there are never challenges we can’t face and overcome. “The Tao Te Ching (Dao De Jing),” a philosophical book of Chinese thought says: When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” The truth is, when we allow ourselves to feel the feelings associated with pain, we can more easily recognize the messages of love and healing that will come through for us. When we face pain with acceptance, we trust that we’ll be led through it, and then out of it. Learning to face pain makes us stronger, more resilient, and better equipped to manage other adversity. From suffering we develop compassion; the insight we gain can be used to help others. In these ways our pain becomes something positive; a beacon of light in someone’s darkness, the reaching out of our hand and our heart towards someone who is hurting. In helping others to heal, we gain self-worth that assists us in our own healing process. And when we have healthy coping skills we can give our children a jump in life by teaching them how to best deal with the ups and downs they will inevitably face.
There is a great deal of fear involved in the process of letting go. How does one get past it? Professional therapy is a great place to start, in my opinion, because talking about our feelings helps us to understand them. Change can be terrifying, even when we truly desire it. It helps to have an expert guide us through the difficult process and to create an awareness of our self-defeating patterns. But however one chooses to do it; the first step in any healing process is acknowledging that a problem exists and desiring change. Healing is easier when we think of clinging to our pain as self sabotage; we are only hurting ourselves when we do this.
We should examine our triggers such as: negative attitudes and judgments, hot button issues, and areas of resistance. These are obvious indicators of an underlying problem, red flags marking the spots where we should begin excavating our buried feelings.
Allow yourself to imagine bundling up all the negative energy expended in suffering, and channeling it into a positive, purposeful future. Picture a brand new life, free of those burdens; the peace that will replace the distraction of negative memories. Visualize a new identity to replace the old one; a courageous self that can experience pain in a healthy way.
Change does not happen overnight. Take it one step at a time, letting go is a process. And letting go doesn’t mean becoming emotionless in regard to a traumatic event; it means giving up the torture we associate with our emotions in regard to a painful event. Change is about acceptance of our feelings. Acceptance does not mean approval; we can accept something but not approve of it. We never want to deny our emotions and feelings; they are what make us real, what make us loving and compassionate. The goal is being able to feel our emotions without tormenting ourselves, hanging on to them, or acting out. Try to isolate an event; acknowledge one traumatic memory that has held you hostage, whether it happened in childhood, last year, or last month. Honor that it was a real and significant event in your life. Reflect on the knowledge and understanding gained from having lived through that experience. The goal is to learn from it, not live in it. Assure yourself, with your rational mind, that this event was in the past, it was only one chapter in the story of your life; your feelings are safe now. Then, when you are ready, gently let go. Allow the pain to emerge from the deep recesses inside you. Grant your emotions the freedom to rise to the surface without blocking or judging. When the peak intensity of our emotions rises to the forefront of our consciousness, a healing will occur. Don’t be discouraged if nothing initially comes up. It took time to block the energy and it may take time to free it. Even if you don’t get the immediate result you hoped for, be proud of the courage it took to look your demon in the eye. You have faced your fear, opened up the flood gates; the release will come. It will be well worth the effort…when you finally liberate your pain, you will liberate yourself. The harbored thoughts were a poison…catharsis from the pain is the emotional detox.
What will life be like when we are no longer defined by our pain? Feeling pain means feeling human. Our experiences will always be a part of us, but every day will progressively bring forth an
enthusiastic new beginning with more energy, clarity, and peace of mind. With this clarity we can view life as a place of infinite possibilities, appreciate the countless blessings being offered to us, and see all the miracles occurring around us. Our hearts will know that we will be okay, regardless of the intensity of the difficulty, or how the situation turns out. Our relationships with others will benefit because we learn to discuss our feelings and then move on from disagreements; not hang on to resentments. We will live with intent, and acknowledge our power, view challenges as hopeful opportunities; expand our outlook and stretch our comfort zones. The confidence gained from the hindsight of positive outcomes will keep us moving forward, wanting more for ourselves than we have ever allowed or felt worthy of in the past. And our pride will come in knowing that we hold the power over pain, not the other way around.
In Closing: The purpose of this entire article is to offer
introspection and promote healing. We all have “aha” moments that alter the course of our lives. My wake-up call came when at a stage in my life was when death hit the family so hard, personal tragedies, engulfed me from left right and center. I may have continued to accept a life riddled with pain and dysfunction for me, but I refused to allow it to impact my future and focus. That meant one thing…I had to change. I had to find meaning and purpose in my life so that I could teach it to others too. I don’t want people to ever suffer the way I did. It is my sincere hope that you will find your own “aha” moments, whether through my writings and seminars or elsewhere, that will spark a similar, profound change in your life. That’s I say I have been taught and schooled by pain.
My life reads like an action movie script, pain I have realized is easier talked about but a very difficult companion to be with. I know what it is to be molested when growing up, to be scandalized, I have seen it all, but I look back and say it was all worthy the school and the knowledge to go through all these I went through, and now God has turned the same broken pieces of life to inspire millions. I recently had a wonderful email from someone in ,South Africa who is a member of Jordan Touch Communications, who shared with me something very personal and profound. After having gone through difficulties in relationships, man wanting just to take advantage of her, she said to me,” Herbert, I just want to say thank you for having walked with me this long, God has finally given me a man of my dreams” Not disclosing nothing about her,, that swept me off my feet with joy, having known what she went through, as she hoped and longed for God`s time. Congratulations my dear, delay doesn’t mean denial.

Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts- Forgive. Part 1 Июнь 2, 2011

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Don’t be a captive of pain and hurts-
Forgive. Part 1
We have, or will all experience shattering times or violations in our lives that wound us deeply. To quote Thomas Chandler Halliburton, “The memory of past favors is like a rainbow – bright, vivid, and beautiful; but it soon fades away. The memory of injuries is engraved on the heart, and remains forever.” Pain is unavoidable; no one escapes life without suffering it. What’s important is how we deal with those events. Feelings are meant to be felt. The fastest way through suffering is to allow and trust the process.
So, why is it so hard to let go of our hurt? Pain comes in waves; it is part of the cycle of life. The problem arises when we find ourselves stuck in our pain. We may feel heavy-hearted, close ourselves off, constantly be on guard, or resentful.
There is a wellspring of possible causes for our torment. We are all unique and each of us reacts differently. Often the unresolved pain that we suffer as adults is deeply ingrained in us because it stems from childhood wounds.
Coping skills are not innate; they are a learned behavior. If we are lucky we learn healthy ones from our parents or guardians who model the proper behavior for us. But what if they never developed those skills themselves? Who do we learn from? I came from a home of chaos and confusion. The word cope was not in our dictionary – Words like anger, anxiety, denial, depression, blame, and victimization were. Learning to cope was an uphill battle for me, filled with trial and error…mostly error.
Without healthy coping skills, just as we often do with physical pain or injuries, when emotional pain hurts too much to comfortably feel, our instincts tell us to hide it, cover it with a bandage, or take a substance to relieve it. These are not coping skills; they are temporary fixes, makeshift survival skills. We begin a pattern of building walls, running and hiding from pain, and stuffing it…doing anything we can to avoid facing our problems and dealing with them. We put off something that we will inevitably have to deal with later. We may adopt a victim mentality; fail to understand why we should take responsibility for something we did not create or cause. These unhealthy coping skills become the armor we wear to safeguard our feelings. It becomes the only way we know how to hold ourselves together enough to navigate our way through life.
What are some of the ways we block our pain, and what happens when we do? Without realizing it, in our suffering, we exert a tremendous amount of energy trying to push the pain away. Life gets away from us. To quote Michael Cibenko, “One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us.” Holding on to deadened pain will make this challenging journey through life much more difficult.
There are many things we do, sometimes consciously, sometimes not, to numb our pain. We may deny it; if we believe it didn’t happen, it didn’t. We may keep ourselves so busy that we never have time alone to think. We may drown our sorrows in drugs or alcohol, or sleep excessively – shop, work, eat, exercise, or gamble compulsively – become addicted to sex, pornography, cyber chatting, or games – talk compulsively – and as I did, with choosing to associate with problematic people, taking on the troubling issues of friends, and immersing myself as a codependent in addictive relationships, we may enmesh ourselves into other’s lives to redirect our focus.
We may stop pursuing new things or relationships to avoid being hurt, believing that it will protect us from failure, heartache, and rejection. Using deflective or avoiding behaviors to prevent ourselves from facing our deeper issues may allow us to hold it together for a while, but not forever. We believe that we are controlling the pain, but the more we suppress it, the more it begins to control us. The less we allow ourselves to feel, the less alive we will feel. The hurts we hold onto are like dams that block the free flow of our energy. And we can only suppress, mask, or numb our pain for so long before it starts seeping through the cracks in ways we don’t intend. What those of us who harbor pain or are paralyzed by it fail to see, is that by clinging to the pain, we are hurting ourselves more. Learning to let go of painful emotions is very difficult. For one thing, after having backlogged the associated feelings for so long, we’ve conditioned ourselves to fear feeling them. We’ve built walls around ourselves to protect our emotions. When I eventually sought professional therapy, I learned that it was healthy to have walls, or a better term is “boundaries,” but that the height of our walls should self-adjust according to life’s situations. The wall I had built starting in childhood only functioned two ways…all the way up, or all the way down. I was either entirely closed off, or dangerously open and vulnerable. That is why life was so painful for me. I couldn’t regulate my responses in a healthy way. As a person I went through so many painful l experiences in life and only recently I began opening up and it has been of great help to me, yes Herbert Mtowo, going through difficult experiences in childhood and issues of growth. Sometimes the pain is so dense and heaped so high inside of us; we have to peel it away, layer by layer in order to heal. The anger and resentment sometimes associated with our pain may eventually turn to bitterness. For some, these bitter feelings may provide a
self-righteous rationale to take a victim stance to embrace and justify their hurt. Letting go means releasing our clutch, removing our suit of armor, giving up something that has become an integral part of us…Taking off the badge we proudly wear that says, “I am hurt and entitled to it.” This requires a conscious effort that takes time, focus, patience, and practice. It means changing our patterns, redefining our identity. It is scary to imagine ourselves without the wounds we have integrated into our being for so long. Who will we be without them? Strange as it may seem, there is a sense of comfort in holding on to those negative feelings. A great line from the television show, The Wonder Years, says it well: “Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let it go.”

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The paralysis of betrayal Май 27, 2011

Posted by Herbert Mtowo in Blogs, Актуальная проблема -problem of today, Family, family relationship, man&woman relationship, marriage, PSYCHOLOGIE-ПСИХОЛОГИЯ.
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By Namaste.

Last October, I discovered that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with another woman. Our story is complicated. We were married young, had a daughter and then were separated for eighteen years. So, after we were reunited, I thought that we both were committed for the rest of our lives, having gone through so much pain during the years we were apart.

The details are unimportant. If you are interested, then you can read through the rest of this blog for the juicy details. Start way back in October and you can read me flailing about trying to not fall down the deep hole of betrayal.

Betrayal has made me feel like shit. Betrayal has made me feel discarded. Betrayal, his betrayal, has made me feel like yesterday’s lunch. The experience of betrayal has made me distrustful of the universe. It has made me feel unwanted and useless. I have felt deceived, tricked and made a fool of. He cuckolded me. I have spent the past seven months cataloguing the emotions I have experienced through circling through the extended grief cycle of shock, denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance.

It was the worst long winter of my life. That was my thought, when it first happened, was trepidation about this shock, this trauma right before the onset of a northern New England winter. No, it can’t be. But it was. And it was, and it was, and it was.

I feel now like I’ve been in a train wreck and I’m trying to get up. I’m trying to stand. My legs are wobbly. I am weak. It is the loss of youth, of health, of strength. I am not the same person. This shock, this trauma, this betrayal has paralyzed me. Not just emotionally but physically. It is as if I have stopped and now I have to get up and start moving again. It was the asthma which came from the trauma which stopped me. I pretty much collapsed. I’m not sure how I got through the winter, or how I went to work every day. How did I buy the food? Feed the kids? Pay the bills? In between it all, I just went to bed and curled up in the fetal position and coughed and coughed and coughed.

I was paralyzed but I am trying to get up. I am so mad about what he’s done to me. Why couldn’t he have stayed away, after eighteen years? Why didn’t he just leave me alone?

But I know the answer now, which I did not know last fall. It is simply this; he is still selfish and irresponsible. These have become his main character traits.

So pray for me, please, as I try to arise and walk again.